Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Awkward Things We Say in Gchat

First off, I want to apologize for going MIA on this blog for August. Between WILDEFIRE's release, book signings, travel, revising a new book, and now working with my editor on Wildefire's sequel, EMBERS & ECHOES, life has been a little cray-cray, as they say. One of the things that gets me through the insanity, however, is being able to have conversations with my friends over gchat--so I thought it would make for an appropriate blog post to provide a sample of the strange conversations I find myself in on a daily basis. Enjoy.

On a well-balanced breakfast

me: I just ate cold chicken mcnuggets for breakfast
me: I am such a catch
Bernard: ew
Bernard: like really ew

On lingo
me: What is the difference between smexy and sexy
me: I've never understood

On the secret to productivity
me: You should use my approach
me: Where I stare at it
me: Have a glass of wine
me: and work on nothing
Shannon: that's pretty much what I've been doing

On fashion
me: I don't think I'm masculine enough to be invited to do such a feature
Scott: keep wearing Hawaiian shirts like that, and you will be someday
me: really the most heinous shirt ever
me: the pics don't even do its heinousness justice

On weapon storage
me: Can I hide my nunchucks at your place?
Jessica: no thats where i keep mine

On pest control
me: Why is there a mosquito bite on your bum?
me: Have you guys turned your porch into a nudist colony?

On physics
Scott: If I punch my computer in the face, and I'm the only one home....does it make a sound?
me: Depends on the velocity of the punch and the gravitational pull of the moon

On being creepy
me: I already stare at you all day through your work window
Ashley: im on the 22nd floor
me: suction cups
Ashley: spider man style

On college professors
me: He also looked exactly like the guy from Jurassic Park

On how soft the Wildefire book jacket is
Scott: I remember that time I was hopped up on pain meds and touched your book cover
Scott: and got Really Freaked Out
Scott: that was fun
me: It's like if velvet had sex with paper

On review copy requests
me: May you send me a copy of your fiction novel, Moldyflower?

On the Smashing Pumpkins
Scott: the world is a vampire
me: sent to dra-i-a-i-ainnn

On physical fitness
me: alright, I'm off to get Captain America jacked
Bernard: godspeed

On a good second date
me: Mmm nothing like a homecooked poisoned dinner

On witch gun control
me: I subtracted 3 stars because witches don't busta cap
Scott: i really have a problem with ocular violence

On lingo, part two
me: Example: "After that second scorpion bowl, I was getting creepy”

On Mean Girls
me: it's been a few weeks now
me: I think it's time to settle your differences with Trang Pak
Scott: i just don't think i'm ready

On Friday nights
me: And then there were 8 of us screaming karaoke into the mic
me: The highlight was definitely "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed

On Saturday nights
me: Was at this house party til almost 4
me: Ended up getting in a spoon fight
me: Like hardcore fencing with metal spoons

On analogies
Scott: it's going to be one of those huge revisions where the book becomes something different by the end
me: Like a caterpillar?

On signing books in bookstores
Me: they immediately stopped talking and stared at me like I had just pooped in their hands

On when not to shave
me: I'm glad I'm the benchmark for successful scruff

On when to shave
me: there's a very sudden shift between "chic" and "hobo"
me: I don't know when it happens

On awkwardness
Scott: you have out-awkarded yourself in this interview
Scott: good job
me: Thank you
me: It was a steep mountain to climb
me: but I think I've finally planted a flag at the summit of Mount Awkward

On masculinity

me: Off to the gym
me: so that I can watch Millionare Matchmaker on the stairmaster
me: while I pretend I'm watching ESPN


  1. Hmm, I stopped doing g-chat, but maybe I should try it again...or not;)Is the hobo shift when you can no longer see your lips? Maybe it's when you start chewing beard with your McNuggets.

  2. Wait. You've got nunchucks? Can you use them or are they for show?

  3. I think my favorite is the one wherein Scott talks about stroking WILDEFIRE's jacket while on painkillers.

    Otherwise, though, I think I'd rather be left to wonder how factual several of these conversations are.

  4. I enjoyed the tidbits where it looked like you were having a conversation with yourself. I giggled.

  5. LOL. I knew that was you up there Spidey!

  6. Yeah, same question about the nunchucks. You practice martial arts?

  7. Um..a spoon fight sounds awesomely fantasic.

  8. On the difference between smexy and sexy: smexy-a sillier(and supposedly less slutty)way of saying, "I wanna get with that."

  9. on masculinity - oh man you made me giggle. My husband was a college rugby player (big burly man) . He knows all the words and songs to 7 brides for 7 brothers - although he won't openly admit it. LOL

  10. I had to laugh at the mention of the cover of your book. I remember a video you made a while back and you mentioned it. When I bought the book I felt it and immediately shoved it in my husbands face and said "Woah. He wasn't lying. Freakin' feel this!" Then we proceeded to stand in WalMart and rub Wildefire. I'm pretty sure it touched my cheek at least once...

  11. ok that sorta makes up for going MIA. And if you ever came to L.A. for a book signing I'd probably just stare at you and look like you pooped in my hand. haha

  12. The most entertaining post I read today. Thanks, Karsten!

  13. I'm pretty sure that "smexy" is smokin' + sexy which = sexy+.
    Though maybe my math is off...

  14. Dude. I seriously laughed out loud like 3 times. Maybe 4. I don't remember. But. This is awesome.

  15. This post is made of some serious awsomesauce. I particularly liked the velvet having sex with paper remark, and On Masculinity. :-p

  16. You made my day,I think I laughed out loud... like literally not an internal lol that people claim they are laughing out loud but I actually laughed... I think people are staring at me. [shifty eyes]

  17. on "with arms wide open"
    my go to karaoke is air supply. oh, my poor friends.

  18. I would like to see the hardcore spoon fighting. Maybe your next Vlog???

  19. Haha So when are you going to post a vlog of you singing Creed while fighting with spoons?