The Awkward Things We Say in Gchat

First off, I want to apologize for going MIA on this blog for August. Between WILDEFIRE's release, book signings, travel, revising a new book, and now working with my editor on Wildefire's sequel, EMBERS & ECHOES, life has been a little cray-cray, as they say. One of the things that gets me through the insanity, however, is being able to have conversations with my friends over gchat--so I thought it would make for an appropriate blog post to provide a sample of the strange conversations I find myself in on a daily basis. Enjoy.

On a well-balanced breakfast
me: I just ate cold chicken mcnuggets for breakfast
me: I am such a catch
Bernard: ew
Bernard: like really ew

On lingo
me: What is the difference between smexy and sexy
me: I've never understood

On the secret to productivity
me: You should use my approach
me: Where I stare at it
me: Have a glass of wine
me: and work on nothing
Shannon: that's pretty much what I've been doing

On fashion
me: I don't think I'm masculine enough to be invited to do such a feature
Scott: keep wearing Hawaiian shirts like that, and you will be someday
me: really the most heinous shirt ever
me: the pics don't even do its heinousness justice

On weapon storage
me: Can I hide my nunchucks at your place?
Jessica: no thats where i keep mine

On pest control
me: Why is there a mosquito bite on your bum?
me: Have you guys turned your porch into a nudist colony?

On physics
Scott: If I punch my computer in the face, and I'm the only one home....does it make a sound?
me: Depends on the velocity of the punch and the gravitational pull of the moon

On being creepy
me: I already stare at you all day through your work window
Ashley: im on the 22nd floor
me: suction cups
Ashley: spider man style

On college professors
me: He also looked exactly like the guy from Jurassic Park

On how soft the Wildefire book jacket is
Scott: I remember that time I was hopped up on pain meds and touched your book cover
Scott: and got Really Freaked Out
Scott: that was fun
me: It's like if velvet had sex with paper

On review copy requests
me: May you send me a copy of your fiction novel, Moldyflower?

On the Smashing Pumpkins
Scott: the world is a vampire
me: sent to dra-i-a-i-ainnn

On physical fitness
me: alright, I'm off to get Captain America jacked
Bernard: godspeed

On a good second date
me: Mmm nothing like a homecooked poisoned dinner

On witch gun control
me: I subtracted 3 stars because witches don't busta cap
Scott: i really have a problem with ocular violence

On lingo, part two
me: Example: "After that second scorpion bowl, I was getting creepy”

On Mean Girls
me: it's been a few weeks now
me: I think it's time to settle your differences with Trang Pak
Scott: i just don't think i'm ready

On Friday nights
me: And then there were 8 of us screaming karaoke into the mic
me: The highlight was definitely "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed

On Saturday nights
me: Was at this house party til almost 4
me: Ended up getting in a spoon fight
me: Like hardcore fencing with metal spoons

On analogies
Scott: it's going to be one of those huge revisions where the book becomes something different by the end
me: Like a caterpillar?

On signing books in bookstores
Me: they immediately stopped talking and stared at me like I had just pooped in their hands

On when not to shave
me: I'm glad I'm the benchmark for successful scruff

On when to shave
me: there's a very sudden shift between "chic" and "hobo"
me: I don't know when it happens

On awkwardness
Scott: you have out-awkarded yourself in this interview
Scott: good job
me: Thank you
me: It was a steep mountain to climb
me: but I think I've finally planted a flag at the summit of Mount Awkward

On masculinity
me: Off to the gym
me: so that I can watch Millionare Matchmaker on the stairmaster
me: while I pretend I'm watching ESPN