So my new novel EMBERS & ECHOES, the sequel to WILDEFIRE, hits bookstores today. To celebrate, rather than blabber on about what the books are about for the 21,000th time ("Blah blah reincarnated Polynesian volcano goddess blah blahbaty blah"), I've decided to use a new method of self-promotion, and guilt trip the living shit out of you. That's right. For the purposes of this blog, I'd like to in all seriousness explain to you--
THE 5 REASONS WHY YOU'RE A DEPLORABLE HUMAN BEING IF YOU DON'T READ THESE BOOKS.
1) My cat can't afford a good substance abuse rehab program.
It started with him sniffing envelopes and eating old photographs as a kitten. Then he turned to catnip, which we all know is a gateway drug. We didn't truly acknowledge that he had a problem until we found him passed out and cuddling with a bottle of sangria at 9am. For every copy of WILDEFIRE and EMBERS & ECHOES we sell, he gets one paw-step closer to getting the help he needs.
2) I hid a penis joke in the acknowledgements.
No, I'm not kidding. Yes, it's there. But you have to know Norse mythology to get the joke.
3) If you don't read this book, you hate babies.
I dedicated this book to my adorable baby niece Victoria. If you refuse to read this book, Victoria is going to transform into the Hulk baby, throw her singing stuff octopus across the room, and up-turn her jumperoo. Do you want to be responsible for that kind of mayhem?
4) I have survived numerous attacks by bloodthirsty animals.
Some people think I can't possibly be bad-ass because I write young-adult fiction, but to them I say, "Oh really? Then how is it that I've survived attacks by
Inanimate Green Tigers
And a Lasercat invasion?"
If you don't read these books, then the Lasercats have won.
5) I was recently traumatized by a roving gang of teenage girls.
It was late at night. I was walking alone in downtown Boston. And I encountered a group of feisty teenage girls who were playing a game where they would dare each other to run up to a random guy and whisper, "I want to carry your fetus!" into his ear. Then they would all run away giggling.
Traumatizing. Is this seriously the demographic I write for?
So there you have it. If you don't read these books, then you're just encouraging my cat's addiction to spiral out of control, and babies will transform into raging Cloverfield monsters, and tweens will roam the streets giggling about fetuses, and the Lasercats will win, and worst of all, obscure Norse mythological penis references will go unread. Is that the kind of world you want to live in? Then click the pictures below or the retailer links to the left.