Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Yes, No, Maybe So

So today I had to fill out a comprehensive questionnaire for my new dentist, which included this question: “Do you use alcohol, cocaine, or other drugs?” Yes___ No___

Now, as someone who enjoys the occasional glass of wine or pint at the pub, I found it hilarious and intriguing that alcohol and crack were lumped into the same “Yes/No” question, to the point where I underlined “alcohol” and wrote a very emphatic “NOT” next to the coke. Unless we’re talking about the soda.

This is the problem with questions involving the word “or.” In the lyrical genius of Schoolhouse Rock, "Conjunction Junction, what's your functionnnnnnn."

So it got me to thinking: what other awkward yes/no question pairings could I make people answer? I’ve provided a quiz for you all to fill out below. YOU MUST ANSWER TRUTHFULLY. Please use a #2 pencil, and make sure to fill in the bubbles completely or your answers will NOT be counted. If you answer yes to more than half of these questions... you're probably normal and just got sch00led by a conjunction.


Do you own more than one item clothing made out of denim, cotton, or meat? Yes___ No___

Have you ever returned a DVD late to Blockbuster or held up a convenience store? Yes___ No___

Have you ever paid your taxes or been convicted of felony tax evasion? Yes___ No___

Have you ever cut in line to stand with your friends, or stabbed someone and taken their place in line? Yes ___ No ___

Do you ever go to the aquarium, or find yourself inappropriately attracted to fish? Yes___ No___

Have you ever constructed a pillow fort, sand castle, Stone Henge, or one of the Pyramids of Giza? Yes___ No___

Have you ever gone night-clubbing or gone baby-seal-clubbing? Yes___ No___

Do you own a car and/or time-traveling Delorean? Yes___ No___

Have you ever held a garage sale, yard sale, or sold human organs on the Black Market? Yes___ No___

Did you ever play with stuffed animals as a child and/or do you have an embarrassingly comprehensive collection of Barbies from the 1970s still in the original packaging? Yes___ No___

Have you ever swum with the dolphins and/or are you Aquaman? Yes___ No___

Are you a night owl and/or are you a vampire? Yes___ No___

Do you enjoy moonlit strolls on the beach and/or are you a werewolf? Yes___ No___

Are you a vegan, vegetarian, or wood nymph? Yes___ No___

Do you have a fiery temper and/or are you a volcano goddess? Yes___ No___

Do you occasionally visit this blog and/or would you like to cast your vote for Karsten Knight as People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive? Yes___ No___


  1. This was great...thanks for the afternoon laugh!

  2. This one made me laugh. A lot.
    "Have you ever gone night-clubbing or gone baby-seal-clubbing? Yes___ No___"

    Gross about going to the dentist! I have an appt. Tues. Yuck.
    I have an irrational and extreme fear of dentists or want to annihilate them all from existence. __Yes__

  3. For the last one, you're neck and neck with Henry Cavill. Hard call there...

    Being an ex-epidemiologist, I have a whole critique process I go through for every survey I fill out, including leaving them notes in the margins of how to reword the question to actually get usable data from it. I just can't help myself. *Eye roll*

  4. You got me. I'm a Vegevegan Wood Nymph. I mostly chew on bark. That, and I'll vote for the last one. Let's just hope Henry Cavill gets a case of the uglies so you can have Shelley's vote too.

  5. Oh come on, does Henry Cavill really need *both* Superman AND sexiest man alive? I'm sure he wouldn't mind loaning out one of the titles.

  6. This post made me crack up!

    Best. Questionnaire. Ever.

    Also, I enjoyed the Schoolhouse Rock reference.

    I think something that bothers me even more than the "and/or" thing though, is not having the option to choose "none" or "0 times" for certain things, i.e. "how many times have you taken this drug? A: 1-3 times, B: 4-6 times, or C: 7+ times." WAY TO ASSUME I DID IT AT ALL, QUESTIONNAIRE! It just aggravates me. Especially when commenting or writing in an answer is not an option, and the only thing you can do is bubble in a damn letter. I hate knowing that I'm falsely adding to a stupid statistic someone is keeping track of somewhere.

    Sorry, I guess questionnaires upset me much more than I had originally thought, I didn't mean to rant! I think I'll stop myself before I start to go off about True or False questions ..

  7. As a psychologist who has administered many an MMPI (a test chock full of fun true/false questions), I love your survey--especially the inappropriate attraction to fish. That's one disorder I haven't yet worked with. :)

  8. Did you ever play with stuffed animals as a child and/or do you have an embarrassingly comprehensive collection of Barbies from the 1970s still in the original packaging? Yes___ No___

    Are you trying to tell us something, Karsten?

    Get in a Twilight movie, Red Riding Hood or be Alex Pettyfer then you can get on People. The magazine, that is. Gah, what is it with my comments lately. LOL You have a shot though. There's one Twilight movie left ;o)

  9. If someone responded YES to the Aquaman clause in that question, I would be pretty happy. I always had a crush on Aquaman.

    In a boringly real-world sense, a transgender kid once pointed out to me how the MALE or FEMALE question isn't quite as obvious and easy to answer as one might thing.

    If you want to be on the cover of People badly enough, they seem to frequently feature the "cast" of *Teen Mom*. I'm not sure Teen Mom is quite the image you're going for, but who knows?

  10. so if I answered 'No' to the majority of the questions (because, well its true sadly) does that make me atypical and thus likely to find myself stalked by some sort of men in suits?

    And if I am stalked by men in suits, can we make them attractive and/or willing to offer me a job working for their shady agency (since that's been a dream of mine since I was a wee little lassie and watched Mathnet--again that's the truth as sad as it sounds)?

  11. This made me laugh soooo hard especially the part about stabbing someone to take their place in line or about clubbing baby seals!!! I think it's psychologically interesting that your questionnaire made me laugh about both of those totally unlaughable things! :P

  12. Omg... I cried reading this. From laughing so hard, not because it made me sad. It made me very very happy :)

  13. Same with the Dr. As if the forms weren't bad enough, then you get that nurse who needs to confirm your love of all things frothy. Don't judge me, Nurse. This is a no judging zone.

  14. I have to say I LOVE THIS. :) Definitely YES to the last question haha. Apparently I'm a night owl *and/or* a vampire too.

    Though the funniest question I've ever come across is this one:

    Select your marital status:
    Living in Sin

  15. Oh Henry needs it Karsten, he so needs it. I am glad you enjoy a pint with your crack, it will even out the crazies.

  16. LOL I love your questions Karsten!

    The funniest question I've ever seen was today when I was filling out my UK census form:

    Q17. This question is intentionally left blank - Go to Q18.

    Say what??? LMAO

  17. LOL, I can't pick a favorite, but this just made my... night. I LOVED Schoolhouse Rock, haha.

    These absurd instances make me remember my AP Government test a few years ago, where the school system's software generated the answer choice of "a marijuana brownie" to a seemingly normal question. It also asked what kind of structure the United States government was like "an upside-down cake (correct)... or a mud cake that looks good but tastes like shit." Ah, the wonders of school teaching these days... ;)

  18. This is too funny! Loved it! :)

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  20. And what if someone were to answer YES to all questions but ONLY because their answers were YES to the items after the and/or? Not me. I'm just sayin'...

  21. oh wow this is the first time i've visited this blog and on the link on the web it said something about world sexiest man...HAHAHAHA OH THE LAUGHTER (not nessecarily for that question) but still oh gosh. fabulous questions...and now i'll go see what this books about!

  22. Too funny. This is so something I would have done..if, you know, I'd THOUGHT of it.

  23. The next time I feel angry, I shall blame my temper on the fact that I am, indeed, a volcano goddess. ;) Thanks for the laugh!

  24. LOL! This was hilarious! I do find it very funny that your dentist would have all three things in one sentence.

  25. Laughing so hard I'm getting a stomach cramp. Thank you. Because cramps are fun!