Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Root Beer Nudists and Beekeepers

Because GoogleAnalytics tells me all the weird things that people search for that lead them to this blog, I've decided to start responding to the real gems on here.

Booze. By the time they open the time capsule in 15 years they'll be old enough. And thirsty.

All my pictures on here are of people sipping ginger ale in their underwear :( Sorry.

Only if he's drinking root beer in the nude while he's beekeeping.

When 3 trees love each other very much and decide to crosspollinate...

Poison your bird-feeder or invest in a shotgun.

First, stop calling them "common." Every bird is a rare rose. Secondly, lower your voice. This isn't a rock concert.

Those aren't "night birds," friend. They're bats.

A sloth walks into a bar. Three years later, he gets to the counter and orders a beer.

One sloth asks another sloth, "How do you do so well with the ladies?" The second sloth replies, "Probably because I'm well hung."

I have 120,000 dollars in student loans. Please pre-order it instead.

Seasons 1, 2, and 3 of the Jersey Shore on DVD, a copy of WILDEFIRE, and 6 pieces of confetti for the opener to throw on themselves.

Have Robin spell check it for you. Or throw a Batarang at it.

What it sounds like when you say my name then scratch a turntable.

I will have the baby with you if you stop calling me Jane.


NOT puberty.

Little changes in your search keywords.

26 in two weeks.

I am frequently happy, yes.

Wait, were you googling this because you thought there would be a website that provided an answer? "Is Karsten Knight actually cute? Or is he just faking it? Let's debate." I'm a YA author, not Justin Bieber.

Hey now.

Much better.

I don't even know how to respond to this one. If you read it quickly, it sounds like "You're caressing the goats."

Yes tapioca pudding. Think pudding! I mean--think positive.

2012 isn't for another 9 months, but at least John Cusack will be there to dance with you. With any luck, he'll be dressed as a:


  1. This... is amazing. I have no better comment to make.

  2. You should be president of the entire WORLD.

  3. HAH! hahahahahhahaha! i cant even pick out the best one theyre all hilarious

  4. Google Analytics is scary. it's like looking into the abyss, and finding out that the abyss sees EXTREMELY weird shit when it looks back at you.

    I think I would be shaken to the core of my being if people found ME when they were searching for root beer drinking beekeeping naturists.

  5. Wow! Crazy hilarious! I think I laughed the loudest at the goat and cute comments. Funniest blog post ever!

  6. Thank you for the laugh! I'm taking a break from my taxes, and this put me in a MUCH better mood. :)

  7. LMAO. Can't stop laughing. Those are awesome.

  8. I saw the title of your post and thought "OK, I'll bite." I started reading and and was immediately laughing. That is so funny that your site would come up when people did a search for those topics. Thanks for the laughs this early in the morning! I needed that:)

  9. ooooh hahahahaha. Totally woke me up and made my morning. This was hilarious. I love it. Thanks for posting!

  10. You're hilarious. These are awesome, but you had to fake "ninja with a big round hat." I mean how in the hell could that bring Google searchers here? Unless you blog about ninja with big round hats a lot.

    I suppose that's possible.

  11. LMAO. Love the Sloth joke. Actually loved all of this. I literally laughed out loud when I read it last night. And it was 1:45 in the morning and the hubs was sleeping and dogs and I didn't care 'cause it was THAT funny. Thank you for the laughs, dude.

  12. Okay, you just had me cracking up so hard I could actually ignore my screaming kids in the background. Love this!

  13. HAHAHA this was EPIC! I think you need to make this a weekly feature and respond to all the insane searches. Last night I had "Why won't the mama goose sit on her eggs?"

  14. Brb dying of laughter...
    Okay. Dude, you are awesome. *salutes*

  15. Best search terms ever, am snorting with laughter :D

  16. Funny. I will now be careful about using exclamation marks. I will only drone my sentences from now on, in fear of someone thinking that I'm yelling. Okay. Can't do it. Happy Birthday in two weeks, fellow Aries!!!!!!!

  17. Ok, now my pants are wet and my sides hurt! Great way to start the day. ;D

  18. Every post on here makes me laugh or chuckle. Out loud. Oh the weirdness of some people! :)

  19. And it now occurred to me that people searching for Justin Bieber might actually reach your page, too.

  20. Oh how you make me laugh. I could not add to or top any of that. Too funny!

  21. I am very jealous of your searches. Most of mine are just high schoolers looking to steal an essay. I must make a point of casually mentioning "nudist beekeeping" in future posts...

  22. That's the first time in a WHILE I have actually laughed out loud while reading a blog post. Well done!

  23. Dude. Just checked Google analytics and found someone had come to my site thanks to:

    "and then, i caught my hands in a bear trap, but it was ok because i offered 6 pidgeons to mars the night before"

    For serious.